A bit of seaside humor ....

[Banana Wind]

Burial at sea

Chrisy and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Chrisy says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "nope, not yet Chrisy". So they row a little farther....

Again Chrisy asks Barbie, 'Do you think we're out far enough now?

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Chrisy is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?'

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."

[Steve Knight]

HUSBAND DOWN

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband
down.

[Banana Wind]

now THAT was funny stuff right there Steve .....

[Steve Knight]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off of the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire-fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says, with admiration. "Thanks," the little girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner" the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Terri]

ROFL.... love it...

[Steve Knight]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Terri]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.


The waitress asks them for their orders.


The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"


"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.


The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."


The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.


"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.


"Same," says the ostrich.


Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich
as you want for as long as you live!"


"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man..


The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for
a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say..."

[Terri]

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.

[Banana Wind]

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming
rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....


SHIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

[Terri]

From the dock a woman watched as the salty old sailing captain skillfully docked his boat. She was impressed that such an old man would still be sailing. As the old salt left the boat she said,\" Captain, what is your secret to leading such a long and productive life?\" \"Well,\" he said. \"I would have to say it\'s because I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whisky every week, eat a lot of fatty foods and I never exercise.\" \"Wow, that\'s amazing,\" the woman said. \"Exactly how old are you?\" He answered, \"Thirty-one\"

[Terri]

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said,

"Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"

The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the Brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.

The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three", and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror