Yea, it is too bad I don't have any cheese in the house. Well, I do have some hard parmesan but who eats plain parmesan?. Guess I could heat up some spinach and sprinkle some fresh grated parm to enjoy a healthy treat. Unfortunately, I don't have an appetite. Seems like I have some kind of no energy bug that kept me on the couch all day. I couldn't even garner the strength to get dressed for work. Perhaps it is time that my 100% attendance at work ethic meanders down the path of I don't care. I mean what has it gotten me? If I wait two more years and four months I'll get about a $15,000 bonus. Nothing to sneeze at, that is for sure.
The question remains, "How do I finance my solo circumnavigation?" I'm so money stupid. Stupid because I procrastinate about getting my finances in order. My husband isn't good at sharing details with me and in fact suggested that I use my retirement money for the ideal boat or sell the house. He means of course a boat for us both to sail away on. Huh? Nay, if he is going he will have to buy the boat using his retirement savings. This girl isn't financing any man's dream ever again. That much I have learned.
Besides, I like my house. Sure there could be nicer ones, but I'm afraid to let go. I fear we'll squander our money and he'll sit back and say oh well. I think it is wiser to keep the house as security for when our cruising days end. Indeed, I believe he will tire of sailing way before I do. Afterall, his idea of traveling has never been the same as mine.
The truth is I am afraid to admit to a failed marriage. He tolerates my sailing like I tolerate our dog. My round the world traveling friend reminded me that life is a compromise, but dern it, compromising on my dream to sail alone to distant shores keeps haunting me. I want him to visit me in romantic far away shores and rescue me should the need arise. But, mostly I want to make it by myself.
Then, there is the problem of money; that root of all evil. I have long been too scared to give up my job as a school counselor because I fear I don't have the skills to earn money doing anything else. How can someone who has done so much in my life be so insecure about my ability to earn a substantial living?
Maybe it is all because I try to do too many different things. Concentrating on bringing our sailing team to a victory, practicing to bring myself to a victory in an upcoming women's sunfish event, going to work 40 hours a week, and maintaining my health. Too much to do.
Uh-oh, insight just stroke when I re-read what I wrote. Remember the blog, Focus, Marlene, Focus? Guess I need to focus, focus, focus. Pick a goal and put all my eggs into that one basket. Maybe I should take more days off work, like even one a month to concentrate on getting published. Hmmmmmm, what do you think? Sacrifice a sick day for a future earning?. . . .Figure out a compelling reason for hubby to support my dream?. . .
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM,,,,,,,
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