A bit of seaside humor ....

[Banana Wind]

Burial at sea

Chrisy and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Chrisy says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "nope, not yet Chrisy". So they row a little farther....

Again Chrisy asks Barbie, 'Do you think we're out far enough now?

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Chrisy is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?'

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."

[Terri]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!

[Steve Knight]

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in." The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it. "It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief. "No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important." "Is it the Governor?" replied the chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper. "Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper. "Well WHO is it?" screams the chief. "I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

[Steve Knight]

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting. It will make you rethink the value of college tuition.

* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
* On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
* She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
* The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
* I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
* Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
* Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
* Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
* The patient refused an autopsy.

* The patient has no past history of suicides.
* The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
* Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
* Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
* The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
* She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
* The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
* The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

BONUS MATERIAL: Real Stories from Real Doctors and Nurses

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

Big breaths," I instructed.

Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered ... "Why, not for about twenty years--when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.

I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."

He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.

"Now both," I requested.

There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.

"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"

It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner.

[Steve Knight]

I go into the local Wal-Mart to purchase a large bag of puppy food. I get in line for the cashier, and a woman behind me asks me if I have a dog. Thinking quickly, I tell her "No I don't have a dog, I'm on the Purina diet, I've been on it for a while but had to stop while I was in the hospital. What you do is, fill your pockets with the puppy food, and when you get hungry you eat a small handful of food." She then asked me if I'd been in the hospital because the food had made me sick. I told her"No, I was in the street licking myself when I was hit by a car"!

[Banana Wind]

*LMAO* ...Don't swing..Dont Swing!!!!

[Steve Knight]

Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden ... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

"Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!"

Then POOF! .. she was gone!

After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Henry, where are you?"

Henry yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Larry shouts back, "DON'T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"

[Steve Knight]

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights.
I was not really paying attention. Anyway the fella who was driving got out.
And he was a dwarf!
He said "I'm not happy!
I said "Well which one are you then "
That's when the fight started.

[___/)ances With Sails]

LOL

[Steve Knight]

The Navy Invented Sex

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'

[Steve Knight]

A baby seal waddles into a bar, the bartender asks "What can I get you"?

The baby seal answers, "Anything but a Canadian Club."